21

this day marks a span of 21 years of my being here on earth. two decades and a year old. hmmm. damnit, i'd be lying if i say i don't feel old. i feel ancient, in fact.

a big delirious gushing "thankyou!" to every well-wisher who remembers this special date, i understand not everyone's sms can squeeze into my hp at the stroke of midnight and i appreciate every lovingly-texted word. :) even more so, i feel especially blessed to have...

... a group of bestest chums whom i can say know me the longest and bestest (who also incidentally bore witness [and photos!] to my transition from an ugly geeky awkward bespectacled kiddo to somewhat ok prettier but still rather mugger bespectacled lady =D) and are very much cherished,

... a loving patient boyfriend who has stuck by nearly an entire year of me and everything i threw at him - good and bad, ugly crying bouts and beautiful tender moments, jealous/needy insecurities and nonchalent moods. and i'm still not at my worst yet =P (so we shall see how it goes huh)

... and a family i lost touch with and have since been rediscovering, doing my best as daughter/ sister to make up for precious lost time. we're not perfect but yeah, not dysfunctional yet.

you guys have made the prelude to the actual day incredibly sweet, meaningful and damn surprising lah - everything i wanted. which is why i'm still up at this hour singing your praise! first time i was genuinely surprised surprised. first time i cried and laughed simultaneously. first time i got 2 different versions of chocolate cake. first time i suspected my boyfriend might be slightly omniscient. first time i see so many candles on a cake (but i love!). first time i see 6 silly girls attempting to light 21 candles against the strong riverbreeze. first time i have people i actually know using the doorbell (not some salesgirl or the pizza man), seeing me in the most frumpy casualwear ever and then proceeded to ridicule it.

thank you.

if i appear forlorn, it's not because of you guys and the simple celebratory affair. nonsense. i'm more than contented and very loved. i have been feeling jaded, disillusioned, blah blah whatnots with the future for some time now. worried about things i can't do anything about (for now anyway) - a growing sense of ineptness. in any case, i have no name for it. just some issues i need to grapple with and resolve to achieve closure. i just hope i won't slide into depression while at it. haha. it is also something i just have to do on my own i guess.